1989

Today i went to Solitude for the memorial service for Krash. I knew him through mutual friends and mostly saw him when I was on a bike or on a snowboard, I had dinner with him a few times and hung out a few more.

I was drawn to the service for some reason, I knew some friends were hurting and I knew I needed to see the love others had for some one who had suffered. The service was very nice, lots of laughter and tears, some nice memories brought out by family and friends. Krash touched an amazing amount of people. I was truly touched by the poem read by his brother which was written in the early 90's by a friend of Krash's about Krash. It was eerie, cause the poem described the disease.

Why do some make it, while others don't, why do some easily 'get' it, while others struggle through? It makes no sense at all, it just is.

Today I try to remember the way I lived and what could of been if I made a few different turns in my life. I am not talking about 'maybe my life could of been better' not by any means. I never thought I would see 30, let alone 40, Just the same, I would not change who I was or could of been, even if that were a choice. I am who I am today because of all the things I did and who I was yesterday. Looking back is sometimes painful, hurt people, lost friends, and disappointed family.

I have to pull myself out of that because doing that does not give enough attention to today and the family and friends I have now. The dearest thing in my life, Lyna, was on her way to San Diego while I was on the mountain today, yet she was there to.

18 years ago I was the farthest from healthy a person could be, my possessions consisted of a boom box and a change of clothes. Today, I am dangerously healthy and surrounded by life and joy. Today I try and do the right thing in every situation, do I succeed? Not always. Am I perfect? Far from it. Am I obsessive-compulsive? Yes, at times. Am I grateful for who I am, where I've been and what I have in my life? Without a doubt.

Today I play, today I enjoy life, today I push to see what heights I can reach, today I try to bring others into the joy I see, even if I can't explain why. I can't help myself. It is who I am. I am lucky, I am here, I am willing to try.

1989